what if...

Today… Monday… first day of the week… NOT for everything… was going to high school… was getting off of the tram and was crossing the street because I was kinda late anyway…

It was green for me. I didn’t look at both sides, and a car stepped over my foot and stopped. I wasn’t in the argue mode, so I continued walking so that I could catch the bus. I didn’t say anything to the driver, I don’t know if the guy said something, because I was listening to music.

Whatever… the whole thing was weird! I have times when I say that I wanna die, or that I have liked to have never been born at all, but today made me think a little…

What person hasn’t said, at least once in his lifetime, that he wants to die? To be erased from the face of the earth or to disappear? I think that everyone, but what if it really happened? I mean, you just cross the street while going to school, work, home at your loved ones, and a car runs over you, and you die. Instantly. What would that be like? You may probably say: ‘ I dunno. I’ll be dead.’ Not that simple…

So, even though you have got a lot of problems and you feel like you can’t stand it anymore, hang on! I know it sounds cliché, but you have a family that loves you, friends that care about you. don’t let them down. they need you, and you need them. There will be better times, and then you will have with whom to share them.

where did the childhood go?

A few days ago, I was thinking at something… I’m a rather calm, but if you step on my tail, I do react. Besides this, I leave you alone so that you can scream in peace. I didn’t do stupid things, and all my life I have been considered a good child and a hard-working pupil.

THAT’S THE THING! Why? Kids, these days, are taught to act like adults, not like children. For example, two years ago, in the 8^th grade, I told my mom that I wanted to have guitar lessons. She agreed, but in the 9^th grade => fiddlesticks!

This year, I wanted to take up skateboarding. Mom, this time, asked herself where could I possibly get this idea from? It might be better for me to stay indoors , learning, ‘just so that she would know me safe’ or to have tutoring at 52121111312 thousand subjects, instead of doing something more interesting, something foolish, or, as a best friend said, ‘a sport that breaks your legs, but also rises you up in heaven’.

Generally, parents are afraid to acknowledge that you have grown up. Since you were little, they have been telling you when you were wrong, even though it might not have been a big mistake. They don’t let you be a child! You get through this period, which is an important one, and after that, you wake up at 16 and realize that you have grown up rapidly and that you have to slow it down, but you can't.

It’s a bummer to know that you can’t turn back time, to become a child again, because you’re already a teenager, but you don’t want to face the problems that you have now either. So, you’re kinda stuck in two different states, like two parallel worlds… life is strange…

strange thing for humanity

a few days ago, while I was walking home from school, I met an ex-neighbour, who was first year. she asked me how was it going and in what class i was. I told her that in the 10^th grade. she looked at me, smiled and said :’take me with you!’

I know that she made a joke, but this thing really made me think a little. it’s true! people want better times. we don’t realize that maybe the day that we think this is a happy one and that it’s possible that rough times are to come. we all want time to pass quickly, to get over the hard times, and when this happens, we put ourselves in front of even bigger problems than before and we start to think how happy we were last year, last month, yesterday…

so, in a way, we should enjoy the present because nobody knows what might happen next. this thinking, not that it isn’t mine, but I see it as a sad one, too. why? why do we have to suffer? to have feelings? can’t we be robots? so that we can work manually? just press the automatic pilot button?

no, it doesn’t seem that way. we have to live in this s#!tty world, in which you suffer, your family suffers, you friends suffer… what the h3ll? we all suffer! some more, others less. but, we all do. let’s hope that there will be a time when everybody will suffer no more… dream on…

whatever...

I’m in my room, listening to music… now it’s 3 doors down – here without you… I’m not listening to it because it has a link with what I’m feeling right now, I just like it a lot… and It’s a love song…

as usual, i'm sad... it's about me, not my family, not my friends... I sometimes feel like I don’t belong anywhere… like everything doesn’t make sense… I had this feeling before, but I hate it from the bottom of my heart! I hate to hate! But I continue to do it, continue to hate…

I feel like crying a lot. I have already done that, on creep and supergirl, but it was just a bit. I can’t cry anymore. I always say this and I don’t know if it’s true, or I’m just telling it so that I can assure myself that everything is okay… everything is not okay… nothing is…

I wish I would disappear, just to clap my hands or whistle and everything would be over… my problems… my life…

Who is reading this might think of me a wacko or something bad happened to me… no, I’m not pregnant.. wow, i can still make a joke... that's a good thing, or just a step for a better one…

Enough with the chit-chat. What I wanted to say is that, until now, I repressed my feelings, the ones that every person has. I’ve beaten them so far, but tonight, I collapsed… can’t stand it anymore! This is not a ‘I-wanna-kill-myself’ ticket, so the person who is reading this, if somebody is, can chill.

You just have some moments when you think: ‘okay… I was born… now what??’ nothing happened! Nothing is happening! And it’s possible that nothing will happen! ... then, why enjoy life after all? just another thing to occupy your time with... and, in my point of view, waste of time!

Maybe better times will come… who knows? Please, someone tell me if that’s what it’s gonna be… please… people say that we have bad times just so that when we have the good ones, we should learn to appreciate them… whatever… who wants to believe that, be my guest… I don’t… omg, incubus – drive…